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Why Doesn't She Just Leave?

Workplace Domestic Violence

I can't leave because he said he'd hunt me down and kill me.

I can't leave because he said he'd hurt my kids.

I can't leave because he said he'd go after my friends and family.

I can't leave because he'd get custody of the kids.

I can't leave because all of my income goes into an account that he controls.

I can't leave because he never let me get a job, and so I have no money to support myself.

I can't leave because I have a disability and he is my only support person.

I can't leave because my immigration status depends on him.

I can't leave because I don't speak English/French.

I can't leave because I have no community/support network.

I can't leave because my community would ostracize me for being a bad wife.

I can't leave because my boss doesn't get it and would fire me if I needed to take time off.

I can't leave because the local shelters don't accept pets, and he said he'd hurt them if I left.

I can't leave because there are no available shelters near me.

I can't leave because I can't afford to stay in a local hotel, and I have no friends or family nearby who could take me in.

I can't leave because there's no public transportation near me, and I don't have a car.

I can't leave because my friends and family respect him. They'd turn their backs on me and accuse me of being in the wrong.

I can't leave because in addition to all of the above, I love him and just want him to stop hurting me.

Why "just leave" is dangerous advice

These are some of the many legitimate, serious, and dire reasons why survivors can't leave. Australian Senator Pauline Hanson's recent comment that women survivors should simply "not put up with it" is uninformed and dangerous, and it's gutting that she gets to use her platform to amplify this message. But I realize that many people share this opinion because there's still a serious lack of understanding of IPV that persists in our society. And we need to do something about that.

Did you know that leaving is one of the top lethal risk factors for a survivor? That it takes an average of 7 attempts before a survivor can leave for good? And so staying (or "putting up with it") is often the safest choice.

The question we should be asking instead

So instead of "why doesn't she just leave?" think about why it's not safe for her to leave. And let's not forget to ask, "What is driving him to be so violent and controlling, and what can we do to get him to stop?"

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Originally posted on LinkedIn.

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